Worn out

The past couple of weeks have drained me.  The girls have been at each other’s throats just about every second of the day.  I’m at my wits end with them.

Also? I’m not an open book.  I’ve been burned in the past by allowing people into my heart and actually feeling.  Between all my dark and twistiness stuff mixed with participating in RCIA with T, my heart has been open for an extended length of time.  Do you know why I don’t have an open heart?  Because there is too much that I either have to cope with or chose to handle on a regular basis that doesn’t allow me the time to have a meltdown because I’m feeling the emotions of it all.  That sounds awful, but those of you who have traveling husbands understand.  You are IT.  You are the one handling all the day-to-day activities of keeping the household running smoothly.  You don’t have time to have a meltdown.  You are doing the job of more than one adult and it taxes the system.  If I function on autopilot things go much smoother, I have a better attitude, and things seem to flow smoother.  If I have my shit together, then the kids feel that.  If I feel at loose ends and more emotional, they know…and then they are more emotional.  Which just leads to me loosing my cool more often and it just spirals downward.  That is where I feel right now.  Vulnerable.  At the end of my rope.  I despise feeling like I don’t have control.  Check out #13 on my list of 100 things. I own it.  I need to feel like I can handle what is coming my way.  Lately, I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread.  I don’t like this feeling.  (Hmm, I think I’ve said that too many times in this post already, can you tell that I.don’t.like.this.feeling?)

So how do I find the balance?  The balance of being able to let people in but not feel like I’m out of control in the rest of my life?  Really.  Any suggestions?  Since that fateful day in September, I have cried more days than I care to admit.  But, I just admitted it.  Damn, this blog is going to be the death of me! I’m sitting here on my couch with my laptop next to SmartyPants having a drink and twittering.  With tears very close to the surface.  Again, I hate this.  I am thankful for my friends, though, and T.  They are getting me through this even if they don’t know it.



4 responses to this post.

  1. I feel you, sister. I know how hard it is to find the balance. Actually, I’m still looking for it. Some weeks I feel like I’m on top of things, and other weeks I’m barely hanging on. There’s really no rhyme or reason to it, either. I know the looming holidays are making me feel a little queasy because there is so much more to do. I’m just going to take deep breaths and start my online shopping soon.

    Lots of love coming your way. And now, back to twitter for our planning 🙂

  2. Sometimes I have my shit together, and sometimes, I do not. I so feel your pain on the traveling husband bit. It is taxing and wearing on my soul and I never get to turn off the mommy role (and the daddy role and the disciplinarian role and the taxi role and the cook role and the housekeeper role and so forth). It is exhausting to wear SO many hats while the spouse is gone.

    For me, running is when I have my emotional meltdowns. If I need to “let go”, it will happen during the second half of a run, and funny thing is, that is when I run my best. With the tears flowing, my breathing ragged, the sobbing loudly. Luckily, I have yet to encounter another runner during one of these episodes (it’s only happened a few times), but afterwards, I feel so much better, like I can manage things again. By myself-BOO.


  3. Posted by Mathmama on November 22, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    Woman, I have no idea how you do it with a traveling h, I would have melted many moons ago. You must have it right if you’ve kept it together all these years. Keep doing whatever you’ve been doing and I know you’ll come out on top!!!!!

  4. Honestly, I don’t have kids, but for me there’s no balance to these things. I’m emotional. It’s just who I am. What I’m feeling comes out of my mouth and is written all over my face. If I wasn’t allowed to express that I’d explode. I will admit there are times when I know I’m being irrational and I talk myself down before I express things I shouldn’t, but if I’m having a off day and feeling down or overly emotional, something else has gotta give. And it’s gonna be cleaning or errands or something that I just can’t handle in that state. Life will go on if you don’t get everything done, but you need to take care of you. Your kids need a good example of how to correctly express what they are feeling and know that it’s okay to do that (and I think you do a good job of encouraging that in them, but I’m not sure you show by example). Also, if you don’t care of yourself, everyone else is gonna suffer. If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!

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