Dark and Twisty – Part 2 (The clarification)

I know what some of you are thinking.  “Oh, good gawd, girl, can there be any more?”  Well, yes there can be, but I’m not in that sad spot anymore.  But I do want to clarify a few things from the last post that was written with tears brimming in my eyes and angst in my heart.

So, first.  I love my friends – all of them.  When I stated that there are only a few that actually reside in my heart, that doesn’t diminish the other relationships I do have.  I very much enjoy the company of those I call friends and I care about them and their daily struggles and triumphs.  I genuinely care.  I also know that I have used this blog as journal and put out all the dark and twisty parts of me that I wouldn’t normally expose to the world.  But you know what I’ve found about the internets and this bloggy world?  They are friends I have made that I wouldn’t have otherwise.  Friends who also bare their souls in an attempt to gain better understanding of themselves or to look for some hope that they aren’t alone.  I can’t find fault in this.  I only see the light.

So, let’s take a detour for a minute.  (Remember, my blog, my stream of consciousness.)  Last night at RCIA we were talking The Holy Trinity.  You know, The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit.  We had a speaker for each part of the Trinity.  The first was our associate pastor who is from Mexico and maybe mid to late 20s.  He spoke about God, The Father.  He spoke of patience and hope and forgiveness and all things related to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.  (Holy moly! I just quoted the bible!)  So that had me thinking about my patience with relationships and my hope with relationships and forgiveness in my relationships.  Then our former pastor spoke about Jesus, the Savior.  The one thing he said that stood out to me was that you just have to say “yes” to Jesus.  (I will be honest, I’m freaking myself out a bit here with all this religion talk!)  Yes to how Jesus wants us to live.  To be open to those around us, to care, to love, and that the path you take is the path you were meant to take.

All of this applies to the angst I had been feeling.  I questioned in the beginning before I instigated a confrontation whether or not this was the right choice.  I wrote about those feelings in that first post back on September 19th.  I wrote this:

I question myself sometimes.  I question whether my feelings are valid to be voiced.  I question whether I will be respected after I speak my mind.  I question if speaking my mind makes me unlovable to those who I care for the most.  I question whether my voice NEEDS to be heard.

And for some reason, my gut (or maybe my heart) is telling me that this concept needs to be revisited.  That I question whether or not I hurt those I care for in the process of trying to find peace with the situation.  I have apologized to one.  There is part of me that feels the need to have hope that if given the chance I will apologize for transgressions I may have unknowingly caused.  Because that is what started this whole debacle.  Words that were not meant to hurt but which did hurt.  I am probably at fault here too.  This post is to say that I acknowledge my part.  It takes two to tango, right?

Things just feel unsettled, and I’m hoping that those involved can accept my genuine apology and that they can move on to a better place with me.  Because I will be waiting for an embrace of love and forgiveness.

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3 responses to this post.

  1. ” I am probably at fault here too. This post is to say that I acknowledge my part. It takes two to tango, right?”

    Powerful words, Kirstin…powerful and healing. I hope you do get the chance to have full closure to this hurtful chapter…

  2. Posted by girlsworld on October 31, 2009 at 11:44 am

    Thanks, Cynthia. I hope I get the chance too!

    Kirsten

  3. Oh my goodness…I just realized that even though your site is in my Google Reader, for some reason or another the posts have stopped showing up. I think the only reason I’ve seen your site (and thought I was up to date) was because of the You Capture challenges. I’ll try to re-add the subscription and hopefully it’ll all come through again.

    So I’ve just spent the last little while reading through your recent posts, especially the Dark and Twisty ones…and it’s like I’m reading about myself. I am the exact same way about being able to be totally communicative with others, but so super guarded with my trust. I have a lot of people in my life I value and enjoy spending time with. But I could probably count on less than one hand the friends-no-matter-what.

    I wish I could sit with you. I wish we could talk over coffee or chai. I wish I could take you in my arms and give you the kind of embrace you feel deep in your bones. I want to tell you that you ARE important. You deserve respect; from others as well as yourself. Your voice IS valid and it NEEDS to be heard, come what may.

    Come what may. Because, as much as the truth hurts, secrets can hurt more. Words left unsaid are just as powerful as those that are voiced – though the effects may be less visible.

    Sometimes people say we make confessions to absolve ourselves of guilt, only to pain others in the process. I think the difference between a selfish confession and a selfless one is in how you handle the aftermath. If you take the pain and find a way to learn from it and support each other…and turn the lead into gold…then ultimately the process is a positive one, in which both parties can grow and become stronger.

    I’m sending you all the hope and love I can for you over this funny system of wires and ether. 🙂

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