My heart – dark and twisty, but not really

I’ve had a post running through my head, but I’m not sure that I can formulate the thoughts in a cohesive manner all the while keeping things generic enough.  I also don’t want to alienate anyone by the innermost thoughts of who I am.  I know, I know, it’s my blog, I can write what I want and anyone who doesn’t like it, well *thbbbpt* to them.  But reality can be harsh sometimes, and I don’t think of myself as a harsh person.  Honest, yes.  True, yes.  But it’s those inner thoughts that you either don’t share with anyone or very few people.

My whole adult persona can be traced back to what I wrote in this post. I can count on one hand the number of people who I have felt a connection with, not including the husband, since I was 20.  I guess you could say that in the scheme of things, that’s not too shabby.  I mean to have a handful of real friends is doing pretty good.  And I agree with that idea wholeheartedly, but the whole situation I talked about in the previous post still has me thinking about friendship.  It has me evaluating and re-evaluating all of my friends.  I’m not questioning those friendships, but they all play a different role.  I suppose it can go back to “a reason, a season, or lifetime”.  I’ve had many friends that fall into the category of “reason”.  I’ve even had friends that have been a “reason” which turned into a “season” or even a “lifetime.”  I’ve even had friends who were “lifetime” to begin with completely disappear and then return directly to the “lifetime” status.  But what I find interesting about myself is that I don’t censor myself with any of the groups.  I can tell anyone my life story…even with all of the pain that sometimes comes up, and they will still not enter my heart.  My heart is a crazy place.  From a distance it looks like this big, open, warm, cozy place.  The view doesn’t necessarily change the closer you get, but I’m a magician and I can cast a spell around my heart that makes it look the same up close as it did from a distance, but no one can enter without passing certain tests.  What kind of tests you may ask?  Well, I’m not really sure.  They aren’t defined, but once you pass the tests you are admitted 100%.  That 100% is a scary place for me.

As a teenager I was that girl who would throw herself into a relationship 120% even if the guy only gave 25%.  I was hurt repeatedly by this process.  I remember reading many different articles which said that in order to find love you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to allow someone close enough so they can know your true self.  So that is what I did.  I was brutally honest.  If I had something to say about how I felt to someone, I felt I had the right to say it and did so without abandon.  I knew that at least if I was honest and put my feelings out there, then I would have a chance of getting a small piece in return or learn something about that person that made me realize it wasn’t worth the effort.  I guess in a way you could call it co-dependence.  I never felt that I lost myself in a relationship though.  I was always me.  I was just me 110% committed to the relationship.  I knew that relationships were work and that lies and deceitfulness ruined relationships.  My determination to succeed was overwhelming sometimes.

I find in my relationships of the past 10 years I still enjoy being able to be honest with people about the hard stuff in my life.  Because if they are going to know me, they need to know all of me.  But somehow I am able to be completely honest without letting them into my heart.  Information I have shared can never be used against me to hurt me because I haven’t allowed them access into my heart, and if you aren’t in my heart then you can’t hurt me.  You can disappoint me.  You can anger me.  But there can never be hurt.

I still feel lost about the whole situation from a month ago.  I know why the feeling lingers.  My heart is still saddened by the whole situation.  I don’t want to lower my standards for those who have been granted access, but I also have trouble handling the limbo.  Because, honestly? I’ve never been in this situation before.  If someone has hurt me, life has always presented a way that allowed distance (literally) if not closure.  But in this situation I don’t want distance.  I want resolution.  I wonder if it is possible for there to be a halfway mark.  Unfortunately the reality is I know there isn’t.  With me it’s always been 100% in or 100% out.

I guess the real issue is how do you let a relationship evolve backwards?  Even to a point where that relationship never existed previously.  And, seriously, how do I not take it out on others who have to put up with the situation?  I feel sad and bitchy right now.  And I don’t want to feel either.  I want to feel as light as I did last Sunday running with the cool ocean breeze in my face.  Is this how people get addicted to stuff?  They keep chasing that high?  Unfortunately I haven’t found that high on my treadmill.  I sure wish I did, because I would be living on that thing right now!  Ha!  I know that I psycho-analyze things to death, including myself.  I feel I need to understand to be able to cope with situations.  But I’ve done all I can do.  I’m willing to work, but I have to be afforded the opportunity to work.  And all I hear now is static.


2 responses to this post.

  1. Well, I don’t know the whole situation you’re in (though I read the other post) and I can only offer what I’ve been through as support.
    Evolving a relationship backwards… it’s kind of like slowly shredding pieces of your heart that that person was attached to. It’s not a fast process or an easy one. And the pieces that he/she was attached to will always bear a scar.

    The hardest part is building your trust in others back up.

    I guess I really have no advice, after all. But know that I feel for you hon. I have a friendship that is complicated, too. And that we both know will continue to have immense pain attached to it. But we have decided to forge on, even though we know the pain will worsen, because the love we have for each other isn’t a joy to be taken lightly or thrown away…

    And YOU? Are the first person I have said that to. Lucky you!

  2. I don’t know the whole situation, but in my opinion, if someone hurts me and doesn’t want to resolve the situation, I just decide they are not worth the effort. There are many more people in the world worthy to build new friendships with and fill the void. It may not be the same, nor should it be. But we evolve, relationships evolve. It’s a constant cycle.

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