Melancholy

I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts of late. Not really sure if there is one thing that is causing it or just a whole mess of things. I know part of it has to do with Tim being gone so much. It’s hard with him gone, but at the same time it’s hard when he’s only back for a week or so and then has to leave again. Our schedule stays the same, but my role in it changes and the girls love having their daddy home, but it’s hard. M (I’m going to have to come up with some better than their initials!) actually has been missing Tim a lot lately. She has always been a mommy’s girl. She would talk to Tim on the phone when he was gone, but she never showed any signs of really missing him. I have always chalked that up the fact that when she was born he had just started back to school and was taking a minimum of 18 credits a semester and working part time along with his drill weekends. He graduated when she was about 18 months old. He missed out on a lot in that time – as did she. She never had that one-on-one bonding time with him. She still will walk out of the room where Tim is and come find me to ask me a question. This drives me pretty much insane! But she actually woke up yesterday morning before he left and went running to the door when she heard him leaving to say goodbye and tell him that she loves him. Broke my heart when he told me (as I was sleeping at the time.) B has always been a daddy’s girl. When we first moved to Nevada and he had to fly up to Boise for drill, she would cry every night. Okay cry is an understatement. She would sob because she missed her daddy so much. To make matters worse, he will be gone for 10 days, be back for 4, and then leave again for 4 days, come home for a week and a half and then leave again for another week. Obviously the stress of this is part of my mood. I know that he is doing right by our family. He is working hard, as I mentioned in another post, for our family now and to make sure that our future is a secure, safe place. He isn’t doing this because he wants to get away from us. I know that, and I hate to complain out loud, but it’s still hard some days.

Another part of it the fact that I’ve been taking drugs now for almost a week for my vertigo. I actually think it is working a little bit. If I move too fast or make sudden movements I still feel a little off balance, but when I lay down it’s not as scary as it was a couple of weeks ago. This should make me happy, right? I despise the fact that this is a chronic medication; I find it depressing actually. And the irony is that this med, it’s an antidepressant. It almost funny. I know that if it is helping me that this is a good thing, but… it just bothers me.

I also have been feeling alone in my real life politically. I enjoy my friends and their company, but so many of them are on the other side from me and I just don’t get it. I’m really trying to. I want to understand, but things just doesn’t seem logical and I’m having a hard time coping with the fact that my basic fundamental beliefs are not shared by the people around me. Don’t get me wrong, most of my family share my views, and it’s great to be able to have that outlet with them, but it is mind-boggling to me that half of the population of this country is willing to support the other side. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. How can so many people be either so blind to reality or honestly believe that supporting someone who represents a group of people who want restrict our citizen’s freedoms in the name of whatever? I can’t wrap my head around that.

I’m also having growing pains. B is going to turn 8 next month, M turns 6 in November, and my baby is going to be 3. Where has the time gone? God, that’s so cliche, but I just want to hold them tighter and keep them safe and innocent from the outside world. I’m sure none of that has to do with the previous paragraph! (note the sarcasm). I just feel like running away to some place beautiful with my family to share it with and just enjoy life. Damn I hate being an adult with responsibility!

I’m supposed to be working right now. I should probably go and do that.

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3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by mammadawg.com on September 23, 2008 at 4:16 pm

    Oh girl… lots of stuff to work through… I wish you strength and inspiration to get through it all…

    Corny, I know. 🙂 But true!!

    Thanks for dropping by the hood… TTUL!

  2. Posted by Living In a Girl's World on September 23, 2008 at 5:38 pm

    Thanks for the encouragement!

  3. Posted by anniemcq on September 25, 2008 at 4:39 am

    Just read this, and know that you’re feeling a bit better, but Hugs anyway.

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